By the Ghost of HST
JANUARY 25, 2025
We were somewhere around the Executive Branch when the DOGE began to take hold.
Elon Musk, that manic pixie technocrat in a meat suit, has officially been handed the keys to a brand-new government agency called the Department of Government Efficiency, or DOGE—a name that sounds like a cryptocurrency scam and smells even worse. And just like that, the world’s most over-leveraged manchild is now jackhammering his way through the bowels of the federal bureaucracy like a coked-up raccoon with root access.
Within weeks, Musk and his DOGE cult have secured full access to the federal payroll system for 276,000 government employees—because sure, why not let the guy who melted Twitter mess with the nation’s paychecks? According to sources deep in the belly of this Kafkaesque fish, two IT staffers who raised alarms were disappeared—sent home and placed under investigation for doing their jobs. That’s what we call doge-shit accountability.
The entire operation has the unmistakable stink of venture capitalist brain-rot: move fast, break things, and pray no one audits the rubble. Musk claims he’s cutting $4 billion a day from the federal budget. That’s not a savings plan—it’s a spiritual purge. Whole agencies are being bled like livestock at a megachurch. USAID? Gutted. The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau? Toast. EPA staff are protesting in the streets while Musk tweets about how great things are going from a stage in Green Bay.
Ah yes, Green Bay—where our man Elon turned a town hall into a circus act, handing out million-dollar checks like candy on Halloween, and promising to reduce government to “1776 levels.” Let’s be clear: the 18th century was not exactly a golden age for streamlined governance, unless your idea of good policy includes bleeding people with leeches and debating slavery over punch.
Then came the fireworks: Musk promised to investigate why members of Congress are rich—because nothing says “drain the swamp” like a billionaire interrogating millionaires while torching food safety inspections and making TikToks with gold-plated flamethrowers.
This isn’t reform. This is a slow-motion bonfire on the White House lawn—a Red Bull–fueled, tech-libertarian fever dream set to the sound of screaming bureaucrats and collapsing institutions. The logic is Ayn Rand by way of Reddit, with a little Mussolini seasoning and a dash of crypto dust for color.
The DOGE is loose. And it’s not housebroken.
Filed from a hotel minibar in D.C. where the ice machine is broken and democracy is on life support.
