January 29, 2025
By Gonzo Poltergeist, Senior Correspondent, Haunted Institutions
Somewhere between the frozen Potomac and a burning stack of old schoolbooks, the President signed Executive Order 1776, an Orwellian name for a document that essentially bans public schools from teaching American history unless it flatters the right people.
The text is vague, the intent is clear: cut federal funding to any K–12 school that dares mention systemic racism, gender identity, or the deep American tradition of screwing over the powerless. ABC News has the scoop, but the real story lives in the silence—teachers erasing lesson plans, students absorbing a whitewashed past, and Linda McMahon (yes, from the WWE) preparing to run the Department of Education like it’s Monday Night Raw. Somewhere in the afterlife, Howard Zinn just threw a chair.
Meanwhile, up in Alaska, the snow chewed up another F-35 fighter jet. The pilot ejected safely, which is more than we can say for the $100 million aircraft that now sits in flaming chunks somewhere near Eielson Air Force Base. Lockheed Martin stock went up anyway—because in this economy, a jet crash is just a sales pitch for more jets.
Back in D.C., a commuter plane dropped straight into the Potomac, its passengers now subjects of a frigid search-and-rescue op. The water was 36 degrees. The rescue crews moved fast. And within minutes, the conspiracy dorks were already online claiming it was all a distraction from Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour testimony (more on that tomorrow).
The administration wasn’t done kicking things over. In a quiet policy move, they went after Planned Parenthood again, choking off another artery of federal funding and tightening the grip on reproductive care for millions. The news barely cracked the broadcast, as if we’ve accepted that bodily autonomy is seasonal—like citrus, or civil liberties.
The ICE raids came next. With cameras rolling and MAGA Twitter clapping like trained seals, agents swept through sanctuary cities nationwide, scooping up families in dawn raids that echoed louder than the administration probably intended. Watch it yourself. The footage is pure 2018 flashback, except now there’s less resistance and more cameras. Pre-crime has officially joined the bureaucracy.
And looming behind it all, a storm. Not a metaphor—though God knows we’re overdue for one of biblical proportion—but an actual weather event, sweeping across the country like winter’s final middle finger. Over 100 million Americans are in its path. Airports are closed, highways are locked, and somewhere in Ohio, a snowplow has declared martial law.
This is not governance. It’s performance art in a collapsing theater. A nation obsessed with strength, producing only spectacle. Executive orders named after revolutions, planes falling from the sky, borders patrolled by reality TV rejects, and classrooms turning into sanitized echo chambers.
There is no center. Just a spinning spotlight. And whoever steps into it gets to lie next.
Filed from a barstool that’s been warm since Watergate.
