By The Ghost of HST
03/17/2025
Ah yes, another deranged dispatch from the fever swamp of Donald J. Trump, who stormed onto Truth Social to declare Biden’s pardons for the January 6th committee VOID! VACANT! NO FORCE! NO EFFECT! Why? Because they were signed with the infernal Autopen—a device Trump seemingly believes is operated by a woke AI cabal or a deep-state Ouija board.
Legal scholars, burdened with the thankless task of explaining reality, reminded us that the Constitution does not require a president to personally scribble their signature in ink blessed by the Founding Fathers. Autopen, Sharpie, chicken scratch—it’s all legally binding. Yet Trump, in his usual hallucinatory fury, insists Biden was oblivious, a senile figurehead duped by shadowy handlers pushing rogue pardons in his name.
Missouri Attorney General Andrew Bailey, ever eager to ride the MAGA hysteria wave, demanded an investigation into Biden’s cognitive decline, linking it to his alleged inability to control his own pen. Meanwhile, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, channeling the administration’s signature aloofness, sneered at reporters: “You’re a journalist, you figure it out.”
Of course, the courts, those weary referees of American insanity, are unlikely to entertain Trump’s latest tantrum. A pardon is a pardon, whether written in gold leaf or finger-painted in applesauce, and no amount of Truth Social shrieking will change that.
And so, another week in the Great American Freak Show lurches forward—Trump flailing at imaginary conspiracies, the White House shrugging, and the rest of us strapped helplessly into this malfunctioning rollercoaster of nonsense.
