How JD Vance Killed the Pope
By The Ghost of HST
April 22, 2025
Pope Francis is dead. The College of Cardinals has convened. The world’s 1.3 billion Catholics — weary from culture wars and collapsing institutions — now wait for a new shepherd to emerge from the velvet-draped wreckage of St. Peter’s Basilica.
And somehow, standing amid it all — jaw clenched, eyes vacant even beneath the eyeliner, rosary in one hand and ambition in the other — is Vice President JD Vance, looking less like a pilgrim and more like a harbinger of chaos.
We’re not saying he murdered the Pope — not literally. JD Vance doesn’t even believe in climate change, let alone divine retribution. But if “Everything Trump Touches Dies” was once a meme, it’s now metastasized. It doesn’t stop at borders or ballots anymore. It seeps into sacred halls, corrodes legacy, mocks tradition. The Vatican was supposed to be immune. It wasn’t.
It was Donald Trump Jr. who reportedly vouched for Vance during his conversion tour — helping sell the onetime Never Trumper as a true believer. A man who once called Trump “cultural heroin,” now reborn as his altar boy.
Vance may wear the cross, but he answers to a darker trinity: Donald Trump, venture capital, and Peter Thiel. The tech billionaire whose worldview blends Ayn Rand, white grievance, and South African oligarchy into something colder than doctrine and harder than scripture. If Trump gave Vance a pulpit, Thiel gave him the script — one that sees democracy as inefficient, compassion as weakness, and faith as just another market to disrupt.
The official cause of death has not been disclosed. But Vatican whispers say Pope Francis collapsed shortly after a private, untelevised meeting with Vice President JD Vance, described by aides as “quiet, unsettling, and unusually humid.”
According to unofficial sources, the Pope offered Vance a blessing. Vance responded by asking about the Vatican’s investment strategy — and whether the Holy See had “considered a pivot to crypto.”
No autopsy was requested. Only a single note was found near the pontiff’s desk, inked elegantly in Latin with a fountain pen: “It’s already inside.”
Pope Francis spent a decade trying to drag the Catholic Church into the modern world — cautiously, apologetically, with one hand on doctrine and the other on humanity. JD Vance, meanwhile, has spent the past few years ascending as Trump’s spiritual recoil. A man chosen for his ability to feign faith, court cruelty, and call it populism.
At this point, it’s the Upside Down. A moral physics turned inside out. The Vatican trembles not because Francis is gone, but because the gate was opened, and something JD-shaped slipped through. If Trump broke America, JD Vance is here to see what else might crack.
But the darkness hasn’t completely taken over the Vatican just yet. There are still contenders in scarlet robes — men who believe there’s still something left to save.
For a brief moment, the St. Louis Cardinals also met in private, but only to debate whether Adam Wainwright should enter the priesthood.
Meanwhile, back in Rome: Cardinal Zuppi, the soft-spoken Italian with a progressive spine. Cardinal Tagle, the Filipino protégé of Francis who believes in inclusion and humility. And then there’s Cardinal Sarah, the hardliner darling of the Church’s reactionary wing — Latin Mass, iron hierarchy, punishment as virtue. One of them may become the next Pope.
But none of them can promise salvation. Not in an age where truth is algorithmic, prayer is gamified, and faith is filtered through political affiliation and social media algorithms.
So yes — JD Vance killed the Pope.
Not with poison. With proximity.
With a theology of control disguised as faith.
And thunder when the world needed mercy.
And now the world waits.
Not for divine inspiration.
But for the white smoke to rise from Woody Harrelson’s bong, signaling that we have a new Pope — and God help us all if he wears a red hat.
Filed from a Vatican smoke shop formerly known as the Sistine Chapel.
